Brazil study reveals subtle ways you lose yourself in toxic love

According to therapist Beverly Engel, emotional abuse is any pattern of behavior that undermines a person’s sense of self-worth and reality. In a personal account, one individual described how the changes in a toxic relationship started small. They stopped wearing outfits others liked because their partner said they did not look good. They let friendships fade because it made their partner uncomfortable. They laughed less at things their partner did not find funny.

The person began checking their own facial expressions to ensure they pleased their partner. They described shrinking in ways no one else would notice. Over time, the changes became more significant. The individual stopped trusting their own judgment because their partner told them they were too sensitive or denied things they had said or done. This happened so often that the person began believing their partner’s version of reality.

The individual started second-guessing every decision and asking permission for things they used to do naturally. They drafted and edited their thoughts before speaking, trying to get them just right. They learned to read their partner’s moods like a sailor reads the sky, tuning into shifts in tone, gestures, and looks. The person stopped asking what they needed or wanted and instead focused on what their partner wanted to hear and what would keep things calm.

Everything became structured around the partner’s comfort and convenience. From home projects to outings, the person’s life became a reflection of their partner’s preferences. Years later, the individual looked in the mirror and realized they no longer knew who they were. They could not remember the last time they did the things they loved, and they were unsure of their own opinions.

The writer noted that toxic relationships do not just take time, energy, or peace. They take a person’s identity, slowly and quietly, one small surrender at a time. The person who entered the relationship and the person still in it may barely recognize each other. The individual lost the ability to find themselves because their internal compass, their gut and intuition, was gone.

The writer initially hated the word “people-pleaser” but research forced them to look at the root of their own patterns. They had to accept that their partner’s behaviors were not situational but patterns they could not deny. Cognitively, they knew the partner’s rants and outbursts were related to his own trauma, but because they never saw him react that way with others, they believed something was wrong with them.

When the individual tried to speak up, they were met with rage. They smiled or apologized to end the anger, overriding their own reactions to focus on calming their partner. Being told repeatedly that their perception was inaccurate led them to stop trusting their own eyes. They said yes to things they did not have the bandwidth for because saying no felt dangerous.

The constant mental load of second-guessing every thought and feeling left the person exhausted. They became so consumed with their partner’s voice that their own went silent. The writer explained that this is why it is hard to recognize from the inside. The intuition is not gone but buried under invalidation, someone else’s reality, and exhaustion.

The writer noted that many people stay in such relationships for years due to the sunk cost fallacy, an economic term meaning the more you invest in something, the harder it is to walk away. They had invested time, energy, love, hope, and dreams. They defended the relationship and made excuses for their partner. When they tried to leave, they were met with desperate pleas and promises of change.

The individual described feeling guilty when their partner would be sorrowful or angry, telling them they were another source of trauma. They stayed longer, hoping it would get better if they tried harder or became smaller. The longer they stayed, the more they lost, not just time but more of themselves.

The writer addressed readers who might recognize their own experience and feel shame for not knowing better. They stated that trauma bonds do not exploit weaknesses but exploit qualities like the capacity to love deeply, the ability to see potential, and the willingness to believe someone’s words. These are not weaknesses but the best parts of a person used against them. Intelligent, high-achieving people get caught in these patterns because they believed in someone’s potential more than they trusted their own discomfort.