Brazil: How to Overcome Ultra-Independence and Receive Love and Support

Ultra-independence can be a coping mechanism developed when a person has learned it is not safe to trust love or when they fear losing themselves in another person. According to the writer of a recent article on the topic, people are not meant to go through life alone. Wounds happen in relationships, and healing also happens in relationships.

Many individuals struggle with doing everything on their own and find it difficult to ask for or receive help because they are afraid of being let down. The writer describes ultra-independence as a survival strategy that kept her safe but also left her feeling lonely and anxious. She says she lived in a constant state of anxiety, worn out physically from believing she had to handle everything herself.

The writer explains that people often become ultra-independent because they do not trust others or do not feel worthy of love and support. Some may believe that by refusing help and doing things alone, they will gain love and acceptance by not being a burden. However, maintaining connections and receiving support are basic human needs. Saying you do not need anyone often comes from a part of the self that wants to protect against hurt, abuse, criticism, disappointment, or rejection.

Even considering the possibility of wanting or receiving support may trigger an internal response that it is not safe. People may think asking for anything makes them weak or too needy, which they associate with codependency. But the writer notes that there is such a thing as healthy interdependence. Ultra-independence can also be an extreme unspoken boundary, so learning to set healthy boundaries may help people feel safe in situations where they thought they would lose themselves.

Sometimes the need for ultra-independence stems from not feeling safe being vulnerable. Letting people in could expose flaws, insecurities, or unresolved traumas. Deep shame may lead someone to avoid connecting with others. The writer shares that she herself experienced criticism, hurt, rejection, and being screamed at for having natural human feelings and needs. A part of her wanted support and connection, but another part was afraid, because as a child her father became angry when she asked for anything.

The writer’s ultra-independence eventually led her to deny and suppress her needs and feelings. At age fifteen she developed anorexia and struggled with depression, anxiety, and self-harm for more than twenty-three years. At age twenty she let her guard down and got a boyfriend who bought her gifts but attached conditions. When she did not do what he wanted, he took back the gifts. He became obsessed, waited outside her house, and drew her back with gifts and seductive words. After breaking up, she made a vow to never receive anything from anyone again.

She later had a chance to heal that vow during a trip to Palm Springs with a friend. They played slot machines, and her friend put in $20. When they won $200, he told her to cash out because she won. She tried to give the money back, not wanting to receive from him because she felt she would then owe him. But her friend explained he knew her struggle, wanted nothing in return, and was happy to give to friends and family. That experience helped her see things differently.

Her healing journey truly began at age forty, when she started reconnecting with herself, her needs, and her feelings, and began healing the trauma she carried. She also learned how to ask for support, which was difficult at first. Some people got angry, but others were happy to help. Instead of blaming herself, she made peace with the part of her that believed she needed no one. By listening to its fears, she understood why it thought she needed protecting. That part revealed the pain of being rejected, hurt, and screamed at for having human feelings and needs.

As she listened with compassion, she acknowledged and validated that fear and pain. She thanked the part for its protection and let it know it was now loved and safe. She asked it what it really wanted. It said it wanted true connections, to feel safe, and to receive support, but it was afraid. This younger part of her was stuck in perspectives from childhood and the abusive relationship. By giving it a chance to speak, she helped it gain a new understanding and feel loved and safe. She also began to see who is and who is not safe, rather than seeing no one as safe based on past traumas.

The writer notes that ultra-independence did help her heal from anorexia, depression, and anxiety. Even after twenty-three years of hospitals, treatment centers, and traditional therapy that did not work, she took her healing into her own hands and did most of it alone. However, she also found it helpful to be in a loving and supportive environment with people who did not try to fix, control, or save her.

People are not meant to be or do life alone, but being alone can be comforting if one fears being hurt. The writer advises not to force asking for support if you are afraid. Instead, the first step is to create a loving relationship with yourself and understand where the need for ultra-independence comes from. A helpful question to ask is “Why is it not okay for me to receive support?” Spend time with that part of yourself, listen to what it believes, and ask what it really wants and needs.

Receiving support does not mean being totally dependent on others. It is also important to learn how to be independent and meet your own needs. The writer says this is not an either/or situation but both. Learning to connect with feelings and needs, communicate them, and make requests is also important. For example, if you are struggling and want support, you can say, “I’m having a hard time right now, and I would really like someone who I can talk to, someone who will just listen without trying to change me or my situation. Is that something you would be willing to do?”