Brazil breaks codependency cycle to heal unhealthy relationships

From a young age, the author felt insecure. As a highly sensitive child, they struggled with low self-worth for most of their life. Despite having many friends and a good family, they consistently sought approval from others. They grew up believing that other people’s opinions were the only accurate measure of their value.

As a teenager, the author watched their parents’ marriage fall apart. During those years, they felt isolated. They were often plagued by a dark, mysterious unhappiness. Standard teenage growing pains mixed with the trauma of losing their familial identity. In a desperate attempt to counter these negative feelings, they sought approval from others. When that approval was not given, they felt like a failure. They were caught in a cycle of seeking outside confirmation that they were good enough.

At school, the author adopted the role of the funny, boy-crazy girl. They wanted to be adored and cherished. They kept a list of all the cute boys at school and spent hours daydreaming about a fairy tale love. They consistently focused on finding happiness outside of themselves. Over time, this led to an inability to feel content unless someone or something provided validation. Most of the time, they felt they were not good enough. This belief led to a decade-long struggle with codependency.

The first codependent relationship began when the author was nineteen. Their partner was ten years older and, unknown to the author at the time, a cocaine addict. Their routine was unhealthy. They spent weekends drinking and gambling at a local pool hall. Often, the author spent their entire weekly paycheck by Saturday night. The partner belittled them, called them names, and criticized their appearance and weight. He compared them to his previous girlfriends. The author began to see themselves as an incomplete person in need of major repairs. They became so emotionally fragile that the wind could have knocked them over.

In an effort to self-preserve, the author adopted fear-based behaviors. They became obsessed with their partner. They were controlling and jealous. They needed to know everything about his past. They wanted desperately for him to accept them. Over ten months, the author neglected their body and mind. Their weight dropped by thirty pounds. They became disconnected from family and friends. They developed severe anxiety and suffered panic attacks. They knew something had to change, so they gathered the courage to leave.

The author thought they were rid of this unhealthy lifestyle, but the bad habits carried into their next two relationships. They spent four years with a person they loved very much. However, his alcohol dependency brought all of their insecurities and controlling behavior back. They spent four years flip-flopping between wonderful moments and horrific physical fights. When that relationship ended, the author sought comfort in another unavailable partner. Such is the nature of the codependent person, they wrote. We seek out what is familiar, not necessarily what is good for us.

After nearly a decade of codependent relationships, the author finally faced themselves. They knew that if they did not make significant changes, they would be trapped in a life unconducive to their growth. They got a small apartment and started their recovery. The first few days alone were torturous. They cried and cried. They had trouble with basic tasks like walking their dog or getting groceries. They turned inward, nurturing their turmoil like an old friend. Anxious and lonely, they asked for help.

The first step was ordering Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No More. The author described it as the most significant self-improvement book they had ever read. They felt a weight being lifted as they read. They were finally able to understand the behaviors and emotions they had struggled with. They were a textbook case, their highlighter affirmed as they completed the codependency checklist. The checklist included questions such as: Do you feel responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, and actions? Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems? Do you find it easier to feel anger about injustices done to others than to yourself? Do you feel insecure when someone gives to you? Do you stay in relationships that don’t work and tolerate abuse to keep people loving you?

After acknowledging their codependency, the author connected with an online support group for family members of addicts. This gave them a platform to share their story without judgment. Little by little, they healed their heart. The most significant things they learned were simple truths. Without change, nothing changes. They learned that they cannot control others, and it is not their job to do so. They also learned that love and obsession are not the same. For many years, they neglected their own needs. They now prioritize personal time for activities like reading, writing, walking, and reflecting. They started to heal once they learned to incorporate self-love rituals into their life.